I had a moment this week. I don't have them often but being around my nephew Kenton with his dad made me break down. Joe and I went to the park with my brother in law and Kenton on Thursday. Kenton and I cuddled and played while the boys played softball. Lew's friend and his family also showed up to play. After they boys packed up the softball stuff they came to play on the play ground with the kids. Joe and I stood over to the side watching everyone enjoying there kids and babies and we were both hurting very badly. It was one of those moments for us where we felt like we were missing something big in our lives. I don't say this much but I do have lots of fears. I am afraid we will never be parents.
We are at a stand still right now. Fertility treatments are no longer an option financially for us and when you don't ovulate trying on your own is useless. It's depressing and sad. Joe and went to bed early and spent some time together. He was feeling just as bad as I was and asked if I wanted to talk about adoption. I would love to adopt. I am completely open to foster/adoption. I have fears about being rejected though. They may be irrational fears but it's something I think about. I am afraid of the process. It's intimdating to me. I wish someone could tell me what to expect. What if Joe and I don't make it through the homestudy portion. I guess ultimately it's fear of the unknown.
I know I shouldn't let fear keep me from trying. It's hard and I am very confused. I wish someone could just make this decision for me...tell me what to do. :(
6 comments:
((big hugs)) those moments are painful and unfortunately our culture is baby-obsessed and couples without children often get left in shadows. :(
i pray for you and joe often. the fears that you mentioned are not irrational and are very normal.
i have talked with folks who work with Clermont For Kids about getting started and they have been helpful. when/if you & joe feel ready to look further into that, you can request information from them and find out more about the process.
if you ever want to tak about this, i'm here. obviously i don't know too much about it myself (yet..) but we are looking at it too and it would be nice to discuss worries/fears with someone else.
Thank you JoEllen. It would be nice to have someone to talk to during this process. I know it's something I want to persue but figuring out when. Theres always that voice that if we do decide to move forward with adoption we are throwing in the towel and admitting defeat in the fertility dept. as well. Which is something I am not sure how I feel about. :( Blah!
yeah, i can understand that. a former coworker adopted a daughter first, then down the road when it became clear that they would need to use IUI to conceive they were more financially ready for it. i remember her having some really rough days emotionally and it didn't help to hear (stupid, but well-intentioned) advice like, "just relax!" or "adopt and then you'll get pregnant for sure!"
we are caught in the "when" ourselves.
Do you have the number or website for Clermont for Kids?
www.clermontforkids.org
I'm sorry to hear that you had one of those moments. But its completely understandable.
My prayers are with you guys.
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